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Feedback - 9 Essential Steps to Tell Somebody Something You Think They Don’t Want to Hear

We had a new au pair join our family in the summer. He’s from Hungary, but has lived in Austria for many years, and so he speaks Hungarian and German fluently, and some English too. He’s very efficient, but in the early days I struggled because I experienced him as brusque, unsmiling, rather rude (no ‘please’ or ‘thank you’), and somewhat dismissive in his manner (for example, he would shrug when I asked him what he would like to eat). Then there was one interaction with him that left me feeling confused, and quite threatened.

He came to me one day, stood over where I was working at my home desk, and asked ‘Are you going away?’ He mentioned a ‘festival’, but I couldn’t catch what he was saying, despite asking him to repeat the word several times. I had no inkling what he was talking about, or where this was coming from. He was gesturing to the kitchen notice board where I post a weekly plan (‘the planner’) showing where the children are going to be and indicating exactly what times I need him to look after them. ‘The Planner’ he articulated, several times over and in an increasingly agitated state, ‘The Planner’, whilst gesturing wildly towards the notice board. And still I had no clue what he was talking about.

His manner was, to me, aggressive, and I felt a surge of fear rising in my chest. I wanted to help, but I had no context for what he was trying to say, and his agitation seemed misplaced. Eventually I suggested we walk over together to the notice board, whereupon he pointed out a list of my youngest son’s rugby fixtures I had pinned there that morning. It was a list of dates for the season showing training sessions and fixtures, including mention of a certain ‘Cobham Festival’. I had posted it earlier for reference, having printed it off the web without even reading it.

It was at that point I knew we needed to talk.

He was behaving in a way that had become unacceptable, and I needed to address it with some very specific feedback about how he was coming cross to me. I’m going to share the structure of how I did it, because that structure can be applied to any situation where you might need to give ‘constructive’ feedback to others.

Before you deliver the feedback:

1. Choose your timing
If there is something you need to give feedback about, giving it at the time you experience it can be very powerful, because it’s in ‘real time’. If you want to develop your confidence and skill, or if you think you want more time to consider your approach (like I did in this instance), then by all means take the time to plan it out.

2. Be clear about your outcome
What win-win outcome do you want from sharing the feedback? I wanted to have a more enjoyable relationship with our au pair because he lives in our home and I was finding that uncomfortable at times. I also wanted to share some cultural insights that may mean he had a more pleasant time when he was out and about interacting with other English people. I realised I had an opportunity to find out more about his culture too.

3. Consider how the feedback is relevant for you too
Something that really affected me about this scenario was how the au pair made an assumption about the document he had read, and then waded in, rather inelegantly, and managed to confuse and upset me. I can think of several (cringe worthy) situations when I too have waded in without checking, and emerged looking rather silly. The structure is the same, just different content!

4. Check your beliefs about the situation.
I believed strongly that the au pair did not mean to threaten me, indeed, that he would probably be mortified to learn that he came across in the way he did. I also knew that a few simple strategies could make a big difference to his manner. He had shown me in other ways that he was keen to learn, and do things right.

5. Imagine giving the feedback, and them receiving it in the way you would like them to
What would that be like?

As you deliver the feedback

6. Make sure you have excellent rapport
Think about how you need to be positioned in relation to the other person (maybe alongside rather than directly opposite) to be in maximum rapport. And take all the time you need to build that rapport. Skip this step at your peril!

7. Be clear about what the person did that is unacceptable to you ...
Observe the behaviour, and share that observation. I explained that I did not like the way he stood over me, and how he raised his voice. Also, he gave me no context for his question about whether I was going away.

8. ... and share what effect that had on you
For me, I felt threatened by his posture and what appeared to me to be agitation on his part as he raised his voice. I was also confused by the lack of context for his approach.

9. Say how you would like it to be instead
Be clear about the way you would like the person to behave, and explain how that would have a different effect.

When we sat down together we talked about different cultures – how in Austria there is a special way of addressing older people that is a polite form. Prior to that our au pair had never called me by my first name, so I encouraged him (gave him permission perhaps) to do so. I explained how, in England, we use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ often in conversation (which is different from Austria). I encouraged him to smile (which makes him look completely different – much more approachable). I emphasised how these things would soften the way he comes across to others.

We also talked about that specific situation with the notice board, and I gave some suggestions about how he might have handled it differently, plus some words to help with that. For example ‘I have just seen the new notice on the board in the kitchen - do we need to discuss this?’ or ‘Could you please explain what this means?’

The Outcome

The feedback led the way open to a much broader conversation and we established a relationship on a totally different footing. He adopted the suggestions I made, and now smiles lots and uses ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ regularly. It makes a huge difference. As a bonus, I learned more about his background and culture too, which helps me to be more tolerant of our differences.

An Exercise

Think about someone you have a difficult relationship with. How can you adopt these principles to change the dynamics for the better?

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